11/4/13. I am currently on CD5 and awaiting for ovulation aka my fertile window to arrive. I have started temping again this cycle and will be using OPK's so I can have the best knowledge available to me of when ovulation will be occurring, so we can have sex at the best possible time so we can hopefully get ktfu again.
I'm really excited to be able to try and get pregnant again. I'm not scared of getting pregnant or worried about getting pregnant because I KNOW we will get pregnant. I am scared of staying pregnant. Staying pregnant is the goal but I am terrified that I will never stay pregnant. It is a chance I'm willing to take at this point in time.
At my last appointment with my RE I told him I have hope but absolutely no confidence. RE thought I described this perfectly and at this point in my journey was to be expected. I do have confidence that RE knows what he's doing and is great at his job, but I really have no confidence that I will ever achieve a pregnancy resulting in a live baby. Hope yes. Confidence none.
I know how awful and sad I must sound. This is one of the things that multiple pregnancy loss does to you. It strips you of your confidence and takes away all naivety. I know I will never have a normal pregnancy, I will always worry that something is going to go wrong. It's not fair that I live in such fear and have began to expect failure. It is what it is at this point and I hope to be proven wrong about failure. A girl can dream, right?
I know this has been a long time ago for you, however this is exactly what I'm going through right now. I am scheduled for a Septum Resection in a month and I'm terrified. Like you said "I'm not scared of getting pregnant or worried about getting pregnant because I KNOW we will get pregnant. I am scared of staying pregnant. Staying pregnant is the goal but I am terrified that I will never stay pregnant"
ReplyDeleteThis exactly sums up how I've been feeling. I've had 4 losses in 14 months. Yup, I can get pregnant, but apparently can't stay pregnant.